I think I’m supposed to be writing about something in Los Angeles but all I want to write about is Conan O’Brien on The Tonight Show. Technically this works as he is new to Los Angeles and I’m damn excited about that, but I think I’m going to keep this practical and give him some pointers about L.A.
It’s been a while since he was a full time resident so this is just a quick catch up for my favorite late night host – Conan isn’t going to read this but we’ll pretend he is. A girl can dream.
First off let’s just put this out there. LEARN SPANISH. I’m not sure if Conan knows Spanish. The guy is whiter than white and from Boston. Is it really needed in that part of the country? Anyway, here are a couple of lines that will always score you big points with the Latinos.
Con Permiso – This means “With your permission,” but is also often used as “excuse me”.
Perdona me – This means “Pardon Me”.
Por Favor - This means “ Please”.
Gracias - This means “ Thank you”.
De Nada – This means “You’re welcome”.
Un poquito – This means, “A little”
Donde esta el bano? - This means, “Where is the bathroom?”
This is EXTREMELY important because sometimes you really do have to go!
Donde estan mis pantalones? – This means, “Where are my pants”?
Another important line because sometimes you don’t know where your pants are
No Hablo Espanol – This means, “I don’t speak Spanish”.
Honestly, If you can say the above words you might get into trouble when the Latino population decides to REALLY speak to you in Spanish so this line is your get out of jail free ticket.
Now you see, the reasons I’ve listed all of the polite phrases is that as a culture I’d have to say the Latinos are very big on being courteous. So if Conan can just remember the above phrases every brown skin person in Los Angeles is going to love the guy as much as I do.
When I first started contemplating writing a Haiku to Conan instead of this story (I decided against that once I realized I can’t write a Haiku) I did a little research on Conan and I’ve discovered his birthday makes him an Aries. I was hoping he was a Taurus as I’m a Taurus and then you know – I’d be giving him tons of tips on where to eat and get drunk. Nope – he’s an Aries. I don’t know much about Aries besides the fact that my daughter is one, as well as my favorite cousin, and they both scare the hell out of me. Let’s just move on as I am now worried that I’m going to develop a fear of Conan as well.
A few news worthy tips for Conan:
Water is an issue in this town. As of 6/1/2009 you are only allowed to water your lawn twice a week and can bathe only once a week. I might be exaggerating about the bathing? It’s best to get used to the water police, aka The DWP. They are coming to a home near you…to do something!? I’m not sure what and I never realized they had the man power to monitor every home in Los Angeles – but they do and they will. So stop taking those long showers! (I’m sorry Conan they made me write that).
Oh, the Terminator is our Governor and our Mayor sleeps with a lot of reporters – I’m not sure which one is more amusing?
Gas prices fluctuate between $2 and $25. The funny part about that is that we Angelenos just don’t care! Los Angeles loves their cars and soon Conan will too. Although I wonder if the man drives himself or has one of those black sedans pick him up every-day? Hmm. I’m guessing he’s a practical man that would probably drive himself.
If Conan does, here are a couple of tips for driving:
Everywhere in this town is about 30 minutes away.
The 405 is always horrid.
The 101 is horrible anytime after 4pm until about 7pm
The 5 freeway sucks on the weekends.
The 2 takes you to my neighborhood – please feel free to stop by anytime – we always have beer and wine on hand AND normally an assortment of my girlfriends dropping by for both.
Finally, the 110 is not to be sped on unless you know that freeway very well. It was made to support cars that couldn’t drive more than 30mph so take warning!
As a white man – a very white man – I want to point out that this part of the state is always sunny. I worry about Conan so I’ll take some pointers from my equally white girl-friend, Julie.
Before proceeding outside Conan, please put on/bring with you:
Sunglasses
Sun Screen
Hat
Umbrella
Long Sleeves
If Conan really feels up for it, he could wear a Babushka? I think Conan would look lovely in one!
The San Fernando Valley – you don’t ever really need to go there. Unless you are performing in a porno, purchasing a porno (they have porn shops on every other corner), and/or purchasing the rights to a porno.
Lastly, pseudo-celebrities – at this point, consist of anyone that might ever show up on your television. Pay no attention to them. UNLESS they are driving on the same street as you, in which case I would suggest getting off of that road immediately. Pull over and wait it out. For whatever reason all the pseudo celebrities can’t drive or drive drunk. I’m not sure why but that’s just the way it is in this town.
So Welcome Home Conan & “Break a Leg” – If at anytime you need to know of any really good taco stands – I’m your girl!
XOX
Ms. Amanda Jones
photo originally published here
