YOU CAN'T SPELL 'ACERBIC' WITHOUT ERIC:

Classical YouTube Fun

OK, it’s time to unwind a little after the heady soapboxing of last week. I feel like I need to get back to my acerbic roots a little bit after all the preaching.

Now, YouTube comments usually piss me off. But you know what’s even worse than YouTube comments? YouTube comments on classical music! These people are a whole different kind of obnoxious.

It’s good to be moved by music. That’s what it’s there for. But the average classical aficionado who comments on YouTube videos isn’t satisfied by just being moved. He wants everybody to know that he’s more moved and more knowledgeable than you. The typical comment falls into one of two categories: “The Gush” (“This is the most blindingly brilliant thing anyone has ever heard since the invention of ears, and my soul is elevated to the greatest heights of high heaven above, and this piece is why I know for certain there must be a god) and “The Slam” (“Bernstein clearly had no business conducting this piece. The cellos are too loud in measures 34-48, and that tempo he’s pretending is andante con moto needs far less andante and a soupcon more moto”). So I’m going to pick some of my favorite pieces and look them up, and then single out my favorite comments for criticism and the making of fun. Of course, I haven’t corrected any of their typos, because that’s half the enjoyment right there!

Richard Strauss, Ein Heldenleben (Berlin Philharmonic/Simon Rattle)

Comment: “I LOVE this piece. Some of the greatest horn parts written in the orchestral repertoire!!!! I love the Berlin Philharmonic Horn Section, they do such a great job, and I spotted the ever so famous/dredged Wagner Tuba that horn players get to play too at 04:49! “

I have no idea what a “dredged Wagner Tuba” is, but I hope I never have to hear one. I’m assuming it’s a Wagner tuba that’s been dragged through the ocean to catch tuna or something. Or maybe a Wagner tuba that’s coated in flour before it’s sautéed or fried. Yum!

Comment: “Though it looks somewhat similar its not a Wagner Tuba.
R. Strauss wrote this part for “Tenortuba in B-flat”.
The principal trombone (Prof. Christhard Gössling) plays a so called Tenorhorn, which is related to a Baritonhorn but with a smaller boresize. “

Thanks. That is a lot of information on stuff I don’t care about. You win a prize for knowing so much, though, Professor of Horn Identification: your very own set of testicles! Isn’t that what you wanted? Some testicles, so you can be just like a real boy?

Mahler, Symphony #5 (Philadelphia Orchestra/Christoph Eschenbach)

Comment: “Having played all the Mahler symphonies (less the 7th and 10th) I have to say the 9th is my fav. (especially the Adagio finale, which I did an orchestration for string orchestra.) “

Oh, good. I was just wondering how many Mahler symphonies some guy on YouTube had played. And which one was his favorite. And whether or not he’d done an orchestration for string orchestra. And I didn’t even have to do a search on selfaggrandizingcrapnobodywantstoknow.com! And thanks for abbreviating “favorite”! That saved valuable nanoseconds and made you sound cool as ice.

Comment: “no offense, but fail lol? I guess he uses a bit too much exertion. It is far from difficult in technical terms. Many(though obviously not all) trumpet players believe that stress should be minimal…and the more that shows outward gerneally means the worse thats happening to your lips and thickness of sound. Again, just saying. “

Well, since it’s framed as a question: No. NOT “lol.” I think we’re well past the point where anybody would “lol” at seeing the word “fail.” I might laugh at “gerneally,” though. Like, out loud. Also, I’m having fun imagining the “worse” thing that could happen involving “your lips” and “thickness.” Just saying.

Comment: “haha I couldn’t agree more. I know or have been acquaintanced with about 5 musicians in this orchestra and you share their sentiments, and it’s one reason they ousted him.
My former violin teacher said that in chamber music Eschenbach was a genteel and nice man and musician, but put him in contorl of something and he became a cold, reserved, and different persona “

Wow! If I buy you a pony, will you tell me all about all the musicians you’ve been acquaintanced with? Oh, I forgot… I hate talking to musicians. And “acquaintanced” isn’t a word. No pony for you.

Shostakovich, Sonata for Viola and Piano

Comment: “You have said everything. This music has inspired me when writting a difficult novel with exactly this kind of atmosphere. I like specifically the last musical sentence of the first movement, five notes on the left hand of the piano, enigmatic and definitive. “

This is really a long way to go to tell everybody you’re writting novels, don’t you think? Well, here’s something you’ll like: I’m writting a column making fun of you! Seriously, going to a youtube clip of a viola sonata to tell everybody about novels you’re writting may be even sadder than going to your box of old GI Joes because you have to tell somebody right now about the B- you got in Earth Science.

Comment: “Strange to hear this performed so quickly! I performed this in a recital in Atlanta a number of years back, and in retrospect, all my tempi were a little on the slow side. (except for the scherzo, of course). This work is a tremedously introspective work, as noted, Shostakovich’s last work. The Largo mvt (with the altered “Moonlight Sonata” quote) is a mvt. that is out of this world!!! “

Great. Next time I want to listen to this piece, I’ll look on SomeRecitalInAtlantaANumberOfYearsBackTube.com. Until then, go hide in a cardboard box. I promise I’ll come get you next time I want to hear all about your amazing career. I promise.

Comment: “Uh, this is supposed to be MODERATO? I think not… Just a tad frantic for something so melancholy. “

…And then a guy on YouTube told us all about the true meaning of Moderato! It was a magical day…

Or, if you want some real fun, just search for Bach’s St. Matthew’s Passion and get embroiled in a religious debate! That’s always enjoyable, right? Religious debates on the internet?

Anyway, as you can tell, whether a comment is a Gush or a Slam, the main agenda is always “Look at meeeeeeeeeeee! Look how much I know! Look how moved I am!” I’d like to advance the notion that maybe this kind of thing is why classical music is losing ground in the entertainment war. Maybe people consider it some sort of inaccessible wankfest because that’s exactly what it sounds like when people talk about it. I know if I was interested in hearing Heldenleben for the first time, and saw dozens of comments’ worth of people masturbating to their own typing, I’d probably be a bit put off too. Not because I’m disinterested. Because it’s off-putting. So hey, my classical brethren… How about we agree to shut our goddamn traps once in a while?