OUT OF ORDER AND FROM THE ARCHIVES: Movie Ideas That Will Make Me Rich
originally published April 28, 2009
I’m really, really tired of Hollywood constantly poking the nostalgia part of my brain in an effort to make me watch their shitty movies and TV shows.
Ever since they figured out that it’s mostly males in their 30s who spend money on entertainment, we’ve been barraged with retreads of ’80s intellectual properties: Freddy vs. Jason, Aliens vs. Predator, a new Battlestar Galactica series, the Transformers movie, the GI Joe movie, new Terminator and Knight Rider on TV, Alvin and the Chipmunks and Fraggle Rock on the big manipulative screen…the list keeps going.
Goddamn! Leave my nostalgia receptors alone!
But I think I’m gonna cash in on this nostalgia-porn craze with my own shitty re-imagining. This is solid gold. Check this out:
Coming next summer…
To a theater (theatre?) near you…
From producer Eric Summer…
Lego Airwolf vs. Karate Kid!
It’s gonna be awesome. Lego Jan-Michael Vincent and his neo-retro helicopter made entirely out of Legos, shooting little Lego bits at a middle-aged Ralph Macchio and the Weekend at Bernie’s II-style reanimated corpse of academy award nominee Noriyuki “Pat” Morita. I’m gonna make so much damn money. Everybody might as well start emailing me with suggestions on how to spend my guaranteed fortune.